


between two ticks of the clock

by meltsmedown



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, And I refuse to accept it, Because the show's timeline makes no sense, Communication, Episode Related, Fluff, Immortality, Introspection, M/M, New Year's Eve, Not so ambiguous though, Post-Episode: s03e05 Stronger Than Heaven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 07:12:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14420253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meltsmedown/pseuds/meltsmedown
Summary: He wasn’t satisfied with staying in the present. He couldn’t settle for just the spectacular now, that would eventually turn into the devastating tomorrow, or the bittersweet memory of yesterday, because was there really such a thing as the present? With seconds ticking by so fast that once the digit on the clock changes it is already in the past. The present is all just a split second that we leave behind for the next, and the next, and the next. And he couldn’t just sit here and accept that his life with Magnus was just that − split seconds that would add up to his impending death.Or Alec contemplates on a decision that might change his and Magnus's relationship (quite literally) forever.





	between two ticks of the clock

**Author's Note:**

> I had so many jumbled thoughts about the last episode and about immortal!Malec in general that I had to put them in order and let them out in a fic. What you're about to read takes place a few weeks after the events of 3x05 aka New Year's Eve lmao because, by my own calculations, it should be December in the show timeline by now, yet they're still walking around the streets New York as if it's spring. Also I don't know anything about NYC except for what I've read online so any inaccuracies, like how warm the weather is outside on the 31st of December, are artistic license :))
> 
> Alec Lightwood will become immortal if it's the last thing he does on this Earth. Or smth like that.

_What are you afraid of?_

Alec had been too caught up in Magnus’s response back then and what sounded like the hint of a confession − one that would’ve been too heavy to be uttered so soon − to give an answer himself.

He supposed most of his life he had been afraid of letting people down, of not living up to expectations, to his role as a leader and protector and, in the worst case scenario, having his loved ones suffer because of it. Some of those fears still remained and would probably never go away, because that was at the core of who Alec was.

But now he realised a whole new fear was making room in the deepest and darkest corners of his mind. And looking back on that particular morning, it seemed like forever ago.

_Forever_

He’d never given this word or the magnitude behind it much thought, not even after he started dating an immortal, at least not really. Sure, he’d reflected many times, often superficially, on what pain Magnus must have gone through over the centuries, loving and losing and mourning and moving on, enough that he’d almost doubted the point of bothering to start a relationship at all if it would come crashing down on them anyways. He was glad he hadn’t ultimately let those worries come between them.

In hindsight, he realised his concern had always been about not hurting Magnus, about not being a burden to him and eventually breaking his heart once he gave his last breath. He’d never really entertained the selfish, ugly fear of being just another one of those thousands of memories and hundreds of lovers that would eventually be left in a box in the form of an inanimate memento to be cherished a few times a year or even less.

It was that damn box that made this horrible feeling crawl all the way up his spine and clutch at his throat with dirty claws that had left the ghost of a bitter taste in his mouth for the past few weeks and he couldn’t seem to get rid of it no matter what he did or said. It was one thing to hear about Magnus’s numerous past relationships and accept that his past was his past and the present was their present and the future… well; it was another to actually see physical objects that symbolised a human being, a soul that loved and was loved by Magnus in return, objects that he still turned to once in a while, to touch and reminisce on, even when he was supposed to be staying _“in the here and now”_ , happy and in love with Alec.

He hated part of himself for thinking so childishly, but he might as well be just a child, at least in experience, compared to Magnus. Alec was aware he could and would never comprehend not only what it’s like to have been in love with someone else, but to have lost them to death and moved on from them. To be reminded of good moments that, although long in the past, still held a special place among the thousands of special places an immortal being could hold in their heart. And if there was anything Alec had learned about Magnus was that he had plenty of room in his heart to give, room that had been occupied and vacated constantly by hundreds over the years.

Magnus was Alec’s first and he knew, as hasty as it may seem, that he would also be his last. There was no possibility he would ever be capable of loving someone the way he loved Magnus. He didn’t even want to entertain that possibility.

And, call him irrational or selfish, but he wanted to be Magnus’s last as well. He didn’t use to think like that _before_. Before he’d known what it’s like to feel a love so overwhelming that it terrified him sometimes, that made him realise he never wanted to have to live without the other. _Before_ , he would have been disappointed in himself for even thinking of denying Magnus the chance at happiness after he was gone, even if it was with someone else. And, in truth, there was nothing he physically could do to deny him that, even if he was that cruel, once he was dead and buried.

But _now_ , after all of that, after all they’ve been through in the relatively short amount of time they’ve known each other? Hearing Magnus try to deflect Alec’s grim thoughts of the future in favour of _“cherishing the moment”_ , of _“making the best of it”_? He realised why that bitter taste wouldn’t leave his tongue even with the sweetest of kisses and softest of touches from Magnus.

He wasn’t satisfied with staying in the present. He couldn’t settle for just the spectacular now, that would eventually turn into the devastating tomorrow, or the bittersweet memory of yesterday, because was there really such a thing as the present? With seconds ticking by so fast that once the digit on the clock changes it is already in the past. The present is all just a split second that we leave behind for the next, and the next, and the next. And he couldn’t just sit here and accept that his life with Magnus was just that − split seconds that would add up to his impending death.

Alec was sick and tired of feeling helpless in the face of time itself. Just as he was sure, judging by the desperation in his lover’s voice, Magnus was sick and tired of having this conversation every time he dated a mortal. Even more so of being stuck in an endless loop of falling in love and losing and moving on and shielding his heart between massive walls that would eventually be brought down once someone came along and unlocked something in him again.

After all, he lived in a world where almost anything was possible, things that the mundane mind would never even dare to believe could happen. _All the legends are true_. Even, apparently, that you could have the angel Raziel himself come to Earth and grant you a wish that brings a dead person back to life, as he had recently learned.

So why then would the universe be cruel enough not to have a way for him and Magnus to get their, quite literal, happily ever after? He felt too much of everything at the moment − anger, dejection, helplessness − to berate himself for sounding foolish. But was he really so foolish to think that there could be a way for him to never have to leave Magnus and save their relationship from crumbling under the weight of imminent doom? There had to be something, there simply _had to_. He refused to accept defeat before even trying.

Alec had spent the better part of his life settling for less than; accepting the fact that he would never live his life truthfully, that he would dedicate his life to his career, that he would have to conform to the pressures of Shadowhunter society and start a family with a woman. He had already seen that none of that actually needed to happen, if the happy, fulfilled, successful life he was living now next to the man of his dreams was anything to go by.

He was done with half measures and unsatisfying options that only brought him misery in the end. He needed to find a way, he needed to talk to Magnus about it. He had to at least let him know that he would not give up on the possibility of the eternal life they could have together without even trying.

_I always knew I couldn’t have what I wanted. Until you came along._

Magnus’s presence in his life alone had always made Alec believe that he could do anything he put his mind to. And this time should be no different.

***

The warm bubbly feeling that settled in Alec’s chest as he took another sip of champagne was a welcome contrast to the chilly night breeze of New York.

It was a surprisingly mild evening for the end of the year, a leather jacket over his suit being just enough to keep him from shivering as he leaned against the railing of the balcony and took in the noisy streets below him. Of course, that could also be just his heated cheeks from all the drinks he’d had and the contagious laughter of their guests. Or maybe it was something else entirely, something like magic sparks shielding the loft that one could not see, but that Alec felt like an invisible cloak resting over his shoulders and keeping him safe.

Excitement had flooded the city even before the sun went down, hoards of mundanes getting ready and gathering in Times Square for the ball drop, others choosing to stay closer to home and further from the bustling of the crowds. Him and Magnus had also had a few people over for a New Year’s party, a rather small gathering compared to what one might expect from Magnus Bane. But, in all honesty, neither of them was in the mood for something too extravagant to simply commemorate the irreversible and threatening passing of time, especially after the tension that had clouded the two over the past couple of weeks.

Their friends and family had left a few minutes before. Some chose to welcome the new year in a pool of loud cheer and laughter among New Yorkers drunk on champagne and happiness. Alec had to admit, he’d never expected Izzy to be one of them, but he supposed dating a mundane for long enough had a way of opening her mind up to activities unconventional to Shadowhunters. Others, like his mother and Luke, chose a more peaceful stroll through Prospect Park − at least as peaceful as it could be on the last night of the year.

He felt Magnus’s presence behind him before he heard his voice, speaking in a hushed tone that almost always managed to calm Alec’s restless thoughts.

“I never could understand their excitement over this particular night,” he huffed, trying to sound lighthearted, but Alec could hear the thick layer of sorrow coating his words like molasses.

He leaned next to Alec and placed his own glass on the railing, looking down at a group of girls rushing to get into a car and drive off, probably trying to make it to the last few minutes of a party.

“They’re just relieved they made it through another year,” Alec mused, taking another sip.

He would have related to that feeling, at least to an extent, back when his life resumed to just making it alive through another mission enough to carry the family legacy or making it through another year of hiding his true self successfully. Now it just served as a harsh reminder that his time with the love of his life was running out and would keep running out unless he did something.

“I suppose,” Magnus sighed before continuing, “I forget sometimes how big of a deal a new year is for a mundane life.”

 _“For a mortal life”_ Alec knew he had wanted to say, judging by the emphatic nature of his tone, but it would have just twisted the knife into the fresh cut they had been working to keep sealed. So he was thankful Magnus tried to choose his words carefully. He was tired of going back to this subject like a broken record and inevitably ending up in an argument that had no resolution, since they were both fighting with the tides of their unfortunate circumstance. It was nothing that either did or could ever do wrong, and that was what made this issue all the more frustrating.

It was another reason for why Alec couldn’t wait it out any longer. He had given his resolve extensive thought for weeks, if only to assure himself that he wasn’t rushing things and would scare Magnus off with his foolish idealism. He hadn’t actually researched anything about ways to grant himself immortal life yet, simply because it didn’t feel right to do so without consulting Magnus first. Not only was he partly the reason he was even considering it, but he was in fact the most powerful warlock Alec knew. If there was anyone who knew where to start with such a mission, it would certainly be him.

That childish part of him was giddy to share his decision with Magnus, thinking of how this could be a new and exciting journey for them to take, working together to find a way to get their happy never-ending. If it all actually worked out in the end, it would bring them both undying happiness for the rest of days. And, even if it didn’t, Alec knew that the only thing worse than disappointment would be regret that they didn’t even try. Ultimately, they would be spending all that time together anyways, and that was the one thing neither of them could ever get enough of.

“Your thoughts are so loud they could drown out the crowd in Times Square,” Magnus chuckled, and this time it felt genuine, if only a bit anxious.

“Yeah, sorry I−”, Alec shook his head and turned his focus to Magnus, “I guess I've been in my head a lot recently.”

He noticed a slight frown make its way on Magnus’s face, but he could tell he was trying to keep his expression as neutral as possible. Still, there was the ever present glint of concern mixed with plain curiosity in his eyes.

He turned to Magnus fully and took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to unload on his unsuspecting boyfriend. He hadn’t rehearsed his words this time around, and he had a feeling he was about to regret that in a minute.

“Magnus, I’m tired,” was the first thing that came out of his mouth in a deep sigh.

His shoulders sank just as he saw Magnus’s own tense. He hurried to finish his idea before he could worry Magnus any more than he already had.

“I’m tired of us arguing over something we apparently have no control over and eventually getting nowhere and then giving up and then picking it up back again,” he blurted out in one breath.

He felt Magnus deflate ever so slightly.

“Me too,” he said, unaware that Alec wasn’t finished yet.

“But I’m also not happy with just accepting all of this and not doing something about it,” he continued and let out another sigh as Magnus seemed even more confused than before.

“I’m aware that i am mortal and you are not,” he stated, trying not to sound like he was explaining something to a child. “I’m also aware that we live in a world where magic exists and people live again after death and actual angels grant wishes and bring people back to life and we can portal through dimensions and−”, he paused for a moment to gather his thoughts and keep himself from sounding crazy.

“I am also aware that I am so in love I can’t even entertain the idea of a life without you, Magnus. and, call me self-centered, but I want to think you wouldn’t like me being gone anytime soon either,” he huffed out a laugh, trying to relieve the heavy atmosphere and he felt encouraged by the warm smile that spread over Magnus’s face all the way to his twinkling eyes.

They stayed like that for a few seconds just smiling at each other and it reminded Alec of that night after his mother came over for dinner. When he witnessed with his own eyes what it meant to have his life and his love be fully accepted at last. The smile on Magnus’s face faded as he remembered what Alec was saying and as the realisation of what his words meant slowly sank in.

“Alexander, what are you−”

“I’m saying I want to find a way to become immortal,” he finished. “And before you call me crazy or something, just hear me out. Please?”

Magnus nodded even though Alec could see it took everything in him to keep his words at bay.

“I’m not saying I want to do this right away, if it even is possible. I’m just saying that I want to at least try to see if that option is available,” he reasoned. He knew he couldn’t just drop something like that on Magnus so recklessly, even though he was already convinced he would take that option in a heartbeat.

“And if it turns out that it is,” he shrugged, “we’ll talk about it more when the time comes. Who knows, maybe you’ll get tired of me by then and we’ll have to reconsider my desire to never leave you,” he laughed, but this time it sounded strained by the genuine fear that Magnus might not actually find the idea of spending more than a human lifetime with Alec appealing.

“There’s no such thing,” Magnus croaked, and it was then that Alec noticed the hint of tears in his eyes. Suddenly he was taken back to the conversation they’d had not long ago about moving in together. Now it seemed like the least of his priorities.

Alec took one step closer to Magnus, reaching out tentatively and smiling when Magnus clutched his hands tightly. He could feel a slight tremble in Magnus’s own and he started rubbing soothing circles into his skin with his thumbs.

“I just want you to know that I won’t settle for enjoying the present without knowing that we have the option of never running out of time,” and it was with those words that he saw the first tears fall from Magnus’s eyes before he brought his arms around Alec and pressed him flush against his chest.

As they held each other in the midnight chill, the distant cheers of people and the thump of the fireworks over the Brooklyn Bridge enveloped them in a warm blanket.

“Happy New Year,” Alec whispered against the shell of Magnus’s ear and he felt the soft rumble of laughter as Magnus pulled away from their embrace.

And when Magnus gave him that look, that spoke of all the times Alec managed to take him by surprise and make him fall deeper in love, when Magnus raised his hand to cup Alec’s cheek and run his thumb idly over the flushed skin, all Alec wanted was to kiss that look of pure disbelief off his face.

“It sure looks like it,” Magnus responded and granted Alec’s wish when he leaned in all the way to seal their lips in a kiss that tasted of hope and excitement and champagne.

They would have to talk more about this in the morning when they weren’t hazed by bubbly drinks and childlike joy. For now they were content to hold each other close as the last of the fireworks sounded.

And if only for this brief moment in the present, between two ticks of the clock, Alec felt fearless for the first time in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this!! I wrote and rewrote this trying to make all my thoughts clear and take everything into consideration so as to keep it as rational as possible in terms of Alec's possible thoughts about this immortality thing. I'm open for discussion on the topic, either in the comments, or on my [tumblr](http://lesbianglasses.tumblr.com/) ;) #ImmortalAlec20gayteen


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